Coffee Conversations: Living the Vampire Life

 

Waking up this Saturday morning I shared with Adam that I had dreamed we were given the chance to become vampires and we said that we needed to talk about it before making a decision.  Adam laughed and I continued to explain that while being together for all time (without worrying about his family cardiac history) sounded pretty great, we were concerned with how to finance our new immortality.  The second concern was that, if we were going to live forever, we had to start hitting the gym because we could not be this fat for all time.  For the record, Adam disagreed with the latter.  "If we are going to live forever anyway we don't have to worry about being fat!"  We then decided that since we've never really seen a chubby vampire depiction, all vampires must look young, svelte and sexy so we would just assume that came as part of the package... 

Danielle:  What a great excuse to live all over the place.  We'd have to move every 10 years or so just so people wouldn't notice that we aren't aging.  

Adam: Kind of sucks though that we'd never see the sun again

Danielle:  I guess that depends on which version of vampire rules you are playing by.  Is it that you can't SEE the sun, or that you just can't let sunlight touch your skin?  

Adam:  I think just doesn't touch your skin

Danielle: Agreed.  In that case, there has to be some special coating or something for windows so we could still have some daylight in the house.  And we could cover up outside to still be able to go some places during the day.  We'll just say we have that skin condition that makes you allergic to the sun.

Adam:  Is that even a thing? 

Danielle: (checks google) Yup.  It's a thing. 

Pause in the conversation for coffee and settling into the couch for a relaxed Saturday morning

Adam: Where would we live?

Danielle:  I think we definitely spend some time in like Iceland and Norway here and there.  They have chunks of the year where it's dark all the time so we could be out a lot more and with other people. 

Adam: Ewww. Other people...

Danielle: (ignoring the hermit) I meant that we could do more things during the "day" so we wouldn't seem as weird to the people around us or have to plan around the sun so much.  

Adam:  We could finally make good use of the late night Magic Hours at Disney!  Plenty of time in the parks from dusk to midnight in the winter months right? 

Danielle:  I like it. We could always rope drop on a rainy overcast day and just take our sun protection with us in case it unexpectedly clears.  

Adam:  Oooh, but then we have to go through the bag check line... Not sure its worth it...

Danielle: Moving on... I'm envisioning Paris at night without having to worry about being mugged in a back alley.  So romantic...  It would be pretty great to wander the Louvre at night with nobody around...

Adam:  Now we're in Paris?  I think we need to come back to how we're funding this worldly forever lifestyle.  

Another lengthy pause...

Danielle:  I thinking if we have all that time in front of us, then on day one we start learning some skills to help us bypass security systems.  Then we get super savvy in scouring airbnb type websites finding cool places that are not currently occupied.  Or, like in Beverly Hills Cop II, places where owners are going to be away for a while.  Yeah... second and third homes of rich people could be our target accommodations!

Adam:  Bypassing security?  I suppose we're also going to need fake IDs to switch out periodically. 

Danielle: Probably.  There should be like a new vampire witness protection type program where they get you set up in a new location and coach you how to start adapting to your new life. 

Adam:  Maybe that could be our business. 

Danielle:  Hey...I like it! 

Adam:  We still need cash to start up though, and I do NOT want to have to work for the next millennium before we make enough money to retire for infinity.  

Danielle:  I'd like to think we are smart enough to figure out investment type stuff, but my gut says at least early on its going to more of a thief-like acquisitions with the occasional murder. 

Adam:  Jesus!!

Danielle:  What?  We're vampires, it's going to happen occasionally. 

Adam: I might miss real food. 

Danielle:  I think we can still eat real food.  Not sure if we can taste it though.... maybe that's why vampires are always skinny. 

Coffee is gone, time for bathroom breaks...

Adam: Wasn't there a Marvel movie where the vampire walked around during the day? 

Danielle: You mean BLADE.  Yeah, he was a "day walker"

Adam:  Can't we just be one like him?  

Danielle:  Still have money and access issues.  

Adam:  True, but we could also sit on a beach and stare at sparkly blue water. 

Danielle:  You miss vacation don't you. 

Adam:  I miss vacation. 

 

Pause for toast...

Danielle:  Do you think vampires poop?

Adam:  Why?

Danielle:  Well if they don't, we wouldn't need the Incinolet at camp and taking it out would give us some more room.  We could spend all kinds of time up there - especially if we're day walkers.  

Adam:  And it wouldn't cost much to do it, so we could get our "business" established.  

Danielle:  We do have good internet now at camp...  If we get that storage bed and a couple of other key items we'd be set.  

Adam:  Probably wouldn't have to really heat it either since the cold won't kill us.  Maybe finish insulating the roof though, for comfort's sake.  

Danielle:  We'd probably have to quit our jobs near immediately.

Adam:  Why? 

Danielle:  With no souls anymore what is to stop us from lashing out at work and accidentally killing someone?

Adam:  Good point.  I think we have to work long enough to get some things settled into place though.

Danielle:  Fine.  What about the kids?

Adam:  Right, the kids.  Ummm.... ok, we can't become vampires until they are out of college and supporting themselves.  

Danielle:  Or we just have to keep up our current facade until then.  

Adam:  Right.  Once they are all set, it won't be suspicious for us to sell the house and seriously downsize.  No one has to know the real reason.  

Danielle:  Do we tell the kids?

Adam:  I think we have to tell them at some point, they'll get suspicious eventually that we aren't looking older and I'm not OK with just abandoning them by faking our deaths so they don't catch on.    

Danielle:  How about we tell them, and make a deal that when they find a partner that they want to spend eternity with, we'll turn them both? 

Adam:  Great!  Then they can take over "the family business" for a few centuries and we can really start relaxing. 

Danielle:  Good deal!  

Adam:  So it's settled? 

Danielle:  Yup.  It's settled.  If we are ever offered the chance to become vampires and live together forever we're doing it.  

Adam:  Agreed!

 

Update:

We asked the kids.  They want no part of our plan, called us weird for wondering if vampires poop, and laughed their asses off when we said we were planning to become cyber experts.  Noah's exact words as he continued to chuckle were, "yeah, because that really plays to your strengths..."  Ouch.